Breaking news: Donald Trump to be awarded all the Nobel Prizes

Stockholm.  Benjamin Netanyahu’s nomination of Donald Trump for the Nobel Peace Prize means that for the first time in history a political figure involved in a genocide will be nominated for the prestigious peace award by a leader who has an arrest warrant out for him for serious war crimes. Netanyahu’s move, however, has triggered a flood of nominations from across the globe.

Statements opposing the peace award going to President Trump came in a flurry from Amnesty International, World Beyond War, Human Rights Watch, and the governments of the 20 countries the United States is currently bombing.  

By late Tuesday, however, Trump had received nominations from 18 countries for awards in every category of the prestigious Nobel prizes named, perhaps appropriately, by the father of dynamite, Alfred Nobel. 

Bombshell (sic) followed bombshell on Tuesday with – for only the second time in history, the winner (s) of a Nobel Prize (s) being leaked in advance.  After initially denying reports, the Nobel Foundation released a statement late Tuesday confirming that President Trump will be the recipient in each of this year’s categories. 

Prime Minister Ulf Kristersson said the decision was entirely that of the Foundation and it was a felicitous coincidence that Sweden was exempted from all U.S. tariffs from 1 September this year. “And these are the people who gave us the Vikings,” Zohran Mamdani said from an ICE facility where he awaits deportation. 

Pakistan had in fact beaten Prime Minister Netanyahu to the draw, nominating the President for the Peace Prize  – in the words of India – “for doing absolutely nothing.” 

UK Prime Minister Keir Starmer says the British government will move this week to proscribe Amnesty International and Human Rights Watch as terrorist organisations for insulting the President. 

For the first time since the founding of the Shia sect of Islam in 632 AD, a grand ayatollah uttered the words, “Oh, for fuck’s sake!”  Ayatollah Ali Khamenei, who has only been seen once in public since President Trump and Prime Minister Netanyahu launched a surprise attack on the Islamic Republic, killing 1,000 Iranians, including the country’s lead peace negotiator, said he is travelling to Nepal for a Buddhist meditation retreat.  

US contractors and IDF soldiers briefly paused the machine-gunning of starving Palestinians to send selfies to the President who thanked them “bigly”. White House press secretary  Karoline Leavitt said the President would wipe Hamas off the face of the earth once he returns  with the peace prize.  “Gaza without the Gazans will be a beautiful place,” she quoted the President as saying.

But wait … there’s more. 

The biggest bombshell came Wednesday when the Foundation confirmed the winners in all six categories.  It was the biggest shock result since Kim Jong-un got 18 holes-in-one the first time he ever played golf. 

Nobel Prize in Literature 2025

Distinguished Recipient: Donald J Trump for his powerful use of capitalization in short-form literary forms such as social media posts.

Nobel Prize in Medicine 2025

Distinguished Recipient: Donald J Trump.  The 2025 Prize in Medicine for his discovery that millions of working class Americans no longer need medical insurance or, in fact, any formal medical treatment.  

The Sveriges Riksbank Prize in Economic Sciences 2025

Donald Trump is to receive the prize in economics for single-handedly rewriting all the rules of global economics and diplomacy and his re-imagining of how international trade works.

Nobel Prize in Chemistry 2025

Distinguished Recipient: Donald J Trump. President Trump will receive the prize for his unique chemistry with Vladimir Putin and Benjamin Netanyahu.

Nobel Prize in Physics 2025

Distinguished Recipient: Donald J Trump. Last  year the award went to Geoffrey Hinton for his groundbreaking work on artificial intelligence. This year’s prize goes to Donald Trump for his own artificial intelligence, described in the citation as creating a strong and stable genius capable of defying political gravity and the usual laws of Logic and Physics.

Nobel Peace Prize 2025

Distinguished Recipient: Donald J Trump. The President has been awarded the coveted prize for bringing peace to an unprecedented number of people, including several prominent peace negotiators who now rest in peace. 

Eugene Doyle